Letter To The Manufacturer
by Alexis Seven
Summary: SUBJECT: Parachute Malfunction
1. Parachute Malfunction

1DISCLAIMER: Not mine. Sadly.

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LETTER TO THE MANUFACTURER

SUBJECT: Parachute Malfunction

To whom it may concern,

As a Starfleet captain, I feel compelled to write this in order to make you aware of the situation, as your product is widely used throughout the Federation.

I have recently used your product, and am sad to say I found it's overall performance lacking. On a recent mission, I had performed a space jump, during which I used your product. Initially the parachute worked as specified, allowing me to safely land on my intended target. However, due to ensuing events, I required the use of it once more.

A fellow crew member had lost his parachute, though through no fault of yours, and had fallen from our landing point high above the planet's surface. I, of course, jumped after him and was able to grab him in hopes of us both being able to gently float to the ground below with the assistance of your product.

Upon pulling the release the parachute did open and promptly detached itself from the harness.

One cannot express the disappointment one feels when one's parachute fails to function upon being deployed. When one is plummeting at unsafe velocities toward certain death one cannot help but question the merits of your product.

I would like to point out that the combined weight of myself and fellow crew member was well within the specified range set by your engineers, who also state that this product was intended for repeated use. I can find no logical explanation as to why the parachute would disengage from the harness if it were, in fact, built to the standards you claimed. I do realize that in mass production an occasional 'bad egg' does occur. Upon later inspection of the harness, I do not feel that this was the case in this instance.

During a brief moment of clarity during the aforementioned rapid decent, it occurred to me that your product would benefit greatly from a second chute to act as a back-up, should the events mentioned above happen again.

I also believe that the fact that your product does not already have such a safeguard in place is a massive oversight on your part and should be reconsidered.

Had it not been for the quick action of a young ensign on the ship in orbit, both I and the previously mentioned crew member would be in a black hole, (if you require more information please contact me directly).

Though we were safely beamed up in a timely manner, this experience was not without a certain amount of distress.

Through this incident I have found that one's momentum does not cease while in transport. As a result, the crew member and I were slammed into the transporter pad, breaking not only several bones in my hand, but the transporter pad as well. Luckily, the other crew member to suffer through this did not receive any serious injury.

It would be greatly appreciated if compensation for damage inflicted to both man and machine was received.

I would also like to inform you that until the aforementioned defects are addressed and safety protocol mentioned above put in place, I will recommend that Starfleet cease using your product.

Sincerely,

Captain James T. Kirk

_USS Enterprise _

NCC 1701

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Ooh! This was fun!!!

A BIG thank-you to Kippling Croft for writing this with me!

Thank you for reading! And pretty-please, if you take the time to put this in your favorites, take the time to write a little review, too!


	2. RE: Parachute Malfunction

Disclaimer: See previous chapter

A/N here, as so many have requested, is the Letter FROM the Manufacturer!!!

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TO: Capt. James T. Kirk

RE: Parachute Malfunction

Captain Kirk,

Thank you for your valued input. We are sorry that you did not find our product satisfactory. We have investigated your complaint thoroughly, and have found that though the combined weight of you and your crew member was within the standard weight limit, the force actuated on the security bolts when the parachute was activated was not taken into account. We do not believe that this malfunction was due to faulty construction or miscalculations on our part.

Furthermore, our scientists feel that the additional gravitational force exerted by the forming singularity of the black hole contributed to the malfunction that you experienced.

But, since this event did occur, we will now include a warning label on the inside of the parachute compartment.

We do realize that this experience was stressful, and would like to send you five (5) complimentary parachutes model # E3601-4E for your trouble. We hope to continue business with you in the future.

Sincerely,

Margaret Tinsel

Customer Service Manager

Garrison Henneley Co.

213 Cochrane Ave.

Suite 410

Miami FL

33131

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Thank you all for reading! And yes, I know that there are some 'issues' in this letter, (_forming singularity of the black hole_, among others) I assure you, they are there for a reason!

And for those who read through the first letter, I was taking creative liberties in him breaking his hand, (if you watch, though, his hands weren't in the best of places when they were beamed up). Also, I did not mean to say that they had kept ALL of their momentum when beamed aboard; otherwise they would have been dead. I merely stated that their momentum did not cease. Again, if you watch the movie, they hit the transporter pad with enough force to shatter the 'bubble' they landed on, (which could most likely be easily replaced for the further transporter use later in the movie) and simply being 'dropped' from a few feet above the pad wouldn't have done that. I won't go into detail explaining the other transporter idiosyncrasies, but feel free to PM me if you want details.

Anyhow, I hope you all like it, and please review!!!

~A7~


	3. RE: RE: Parachute Malfunction

Disclaimer: see chapter 1

Alright, and here is Jim's response to the response…muahahaha…

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TO: Garrison Henneley Co.

RE: RE: Parachute Malfunction

To whom it may concern,

I recently received a response to a letter I sent, and I would now like to respond to that.

Your scientists should have _already_ taken into account the force exerted on the faulty bolts and thus your maximum weight limit should have _already_ reflected that calculation.

My scientists, (the best in Starfleet, I might add), do not feel that the gravitational pull of the singularity, (which is, in effect, the same thing as a black hole and does not need to be repeated twice in the same sentence as if they are two different entities), was only affecting the planet's core at the time and its effects had not yet reached the lower atmosphere, (where I was), and was thus not a factor in the malfunction of your product.

Furthermore, as your product nearly killed myself and a fellow crew member, you must ask yourself, why would I want five more of the same defective product? I would no doubt find myself in a similar situation, and may not have such an adept young ensign at the controls of a conveniently placed transporter. As I would not want this situation to replay itself for someone else, I respectfully decline your offer of the five (5) complimentary parachutes.

As for your warning, though I have no problem with the warning itself, it is the placement of said warning that I take issue with. Allow me to explain: Since the warning will be placed on the inside of the parachute compartment, one would not be able to read this warning until the parachute was deployed, at which point the warning would be obsolete and merely a slap in the face to the poor soul plummeting to his or her death.

As I have addressed all of the points mentioned in your letter, I would appreciate it if you pass this letter along with my previous one to upper management, such as CO or CEO of your company.

Sincerely,

Captain James T. Kirk

_USS Enterprise_

NCC 1701

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Ooh-ooh-ooh! I love these things!!!

Let me know what you think please!!! More to come!!!


	4. RE: RE: RE: Parachute Malfunction

Disclaimer: See chapter 1

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TO: Captain James T. Kirk

RE: RE: RE: Parachute Malfunction

Captain Kirk,

We thank you for your time and valued input on our E3601-4E model parachute. We always appreciate hearing customer feedback so that we might give you a better product. Again, we would like to apologize for the fact that your experience with the E3601-4E was not to your satisfaction. Garrison Henneley Co. prides itself on customer satisfaction, and with this in mind we would like to make amends for this unfortunate incident.

I have been informed of the aforementioned incident in question, and deeply feel that the overall experience was no doubt extremely traumatizing. In light of this, Garrison Henneley Co. would like to send, not only five (5) E3601-4E parachutes, but also, an additional five (5) E3601-4E parachutes as a personal gift to you, with the previously mentioned warning labels fully installed and ready for use.

We have taken your suggestion of moving said warning label, and are considering moving its placement to the bottom of the casing for better visibility without intruding upon the overall styling of the suit.

We look forward to hearing more of your valued input in the future and, as always, will give each and every one of out customers' suggestions due consideration.

We pride ourselves on giving the customers what they want; safe, reliable equipment that will last for use after use. Here at Garrison Henneley Co., we hope that our products are the last you will ever use.

Thank you again, and we look forward to future business with you.

C.O. Phillip Q. Henneley

Garrison Henneley Co.

213 Cochrane Ave.

Suite 412

Miami, FL

33131

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

A/N Oh, how we all love getting fluffy letters that mean NOTHING; writing a lot without actually saying anything...

Thanks again to Kippling Croft in writing these with me!!!

Kirk's response to the response to the response to the response (I think) coming soon!!!

Please, review!!!

~A7~


	5. RE: RE: RE: RE: Parachute Malfunction

Disclaimer: See chapter 1.

A/N Hee hee! Here it is! Jim's latest letter…muahaha!

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TO: Garrison Henneley Co.

RE: RE: RE: RE: Parachute Malfunction

As I feel that both responses to my letters are merely the same letter with a few words added or moved around and a different name stamped on the bottom, it is incumbent upon me, (or my duty), to now include the arguments I will be presenting to the Federation High Council regarding the continued use of your products in Starfleet.

---

_Counselors, as you are aware of the recent events that occurred on Vulcan, I would like to submit the following argument as to why Starfleet should no longer use the E3601-4E model parachute, or other products manufactured by Garrison Henneley Co. _

_First and foremost, both myself, James T. Kirk, and Lieutenant Hikaru Sulu would be dead because of the defective construction of this product and or miscalculation of weight restrictions if not for the quick action of ensign Pavel Andreievich Chekov. _

_Let's take a look at what would most likely have been the outcome of this parachute malfunction if not for Ensign Chekov's brilliant ingenuity. _

_I would like to point out the pivotal roles that not only I played, but the roles of my fellow crew members, who together saved Earth and the United Federation of Planets. _

_Is the Council familiar with the ancient saying "A single grain of rice can tip the scale,"? I will now give you three grains of rice, and their pivotal roles through these events. _

_If I were to have died, Commander Spock would have followed his original orders and rendezvoused with the rest of the fleet in the Laurentian System and thus would have been unable to catch up with the _Narada_ before the destruction of Earth and subsequent destruction of the Federation, as it had been Nero's original plan to destroy all Federation planets. I have no doubt that Starfleet would have stopped him, but it would only have been after the Federation had been dealt its most devastating blow. _

_Had I known of the inferior construction of the E3601-4E, and not have jumped after Lieutenant Sulu and saved him, we still would not have achieved our victory, as Lieutenant Sulu was instrumental in expertly navigating the _Enterprise_ into proper postioning for myself and Commander Spock to board the _Narada_, and his command of our flagship during the final battle with the renegade Romulans was spectacular. Had it not been for his impeccable timing in intercepting fire, Commander Spock would have been killed and thus been unable to complete his vital mission in defeating Nero. _

_Our third grain of rice, Lieutenant Commander Montgomery Scott, whom I met while detained on Delta Vega, a brilliant engineer, whom I would not have met and brought onto the _Enterprise_ had I been killed in the parachute malfunction, whose equation for transwarp beaming enabled the two of us to re-board the _Enterprise; _and whose handy-work with the transporter saved myself, Commander Spock and Admiral Christopher Pike; then captain of the _Enterprise. _You may consider him to be another grain of rice because his quick action saved my life, but I digress. Mister Scott's inventive solution in escaping the singularity saved the _Enterprise _and all aboard her, including the Vulcan High Council._

_As you can see, these three grains of rice carry much weight on the galaxy's scales, and because of the malfunction and inferior construction of Garrison Henneley Co.'s E3601-4E parachute, they were nearly knocked off of the scale entirely. _

_Also, I would like to mention that if this company puts such little thought into this crucial piece of equipment, it is only logical to conclude that their other products are built to the same poor standards. _

_As you may know, I personally know what it is like to lose a loved one in the line of duty. Although my father's death could not have been prevented, it would have been all the more devastating to have learned that his death was not only unnecessary, but due to someone's wish to save a few credits. _

_How do you put a price tag on a life? _

_So it is my recommendation that Starfleet no longer use this company's products. I do realize that 72% of this company's annual business comes from the Federation and Starfleet, and that withdrawing our support would be a substantial blow, and that others may very well take their business elsewhere after seeing us withdraw, thereby crippling Garrison Henneley Co., but I feel that the safety and lives of our brave and courageous people outweigh this one company's bottom line. _

_---_

Now, I realize that you may feel that my being only one (1) of hundreds of Starfleet captains, and only recently captained at that, my opinions in these matters may be easily dismissed by the Federation High Council. I would, however, like to point out my name: James Tiberius Kirk, the very same James Tiberius Kirk who was instrumental in saving Earth and ultimately the United Federation of Planets. So you can imagine, my 'suggestions' in these matters will carry some weight.

Sincerely,

Captain James Tiberius Kirk

_USS Enterprise_

NCC 1701

P.S. Though I did not feel it necessary to mention in my arguments to the Federation, I will mention it to you now.

Since your company is based on Earth, and Nero's plan was to destroy Earth, you, in effect, would have been killed by your own faulty product.

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READ AND REVIEW!!! Tell me what you think!!! Thanks again, KC!!! *Hugs KC*


	6. FW: Do you like space jumping?

Disclaimer: see 1st chapter.

Yay!!! Last one!!! Hope you all enjoy…

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FROM: Admiral Christopher Pike

Thought you might find this interesting.

_FW: Do you like space jumping? _

_Garrison Henneley Co. would like to introduce their new line of space-jump parachutes. The new and improved F-series comes equipped with starship-grade titanium alloy security bolts, (that's the stuff the _Enterprise_ is made of!) So you can bet these bolts will withstand just about anything you throw at them! _

_With these new bolts, the maximum weight limit has been increased to allow for a wider variety of possible situations, including gravitational pulls with the strength nearing that of a black hole. _

_The new F-series also includes a special, one-time use, backup parachute, if for any reason, the primary parachute should need to be detached. You merely need to pull the release on the upper right shoulder portion of your harness; the primary parachute will promptly separate and the secondary parachute will automatically deploy. _

_This secondary parachute is also fully replaceable! Once you have safely landed, all you have to do is pull the quick release levers on either side of the compartment, and the cartridge will slide right out. Then, just slip in a new one, making sure the safety tabs snap into place. And, because the secondary parachutes are both disposable and biodegradable, simply deposit the used item into the nearest trash receptacle. _

_To replace a primary parachute, (if there is a need), simply pick up a replacement at any retailer where Garrison Henneley Co products are sold. We have trained professionals standing by to assemble your new primary parachute, or, for you do-it-yourselfers, simply follow our easy to understand instructions included with every primary and secondary parachute replacement kit. _

_We've consulted Starfleet's best to give you our best. With our new F-series, you will be ready for any adventure the galaxy throws your way! _

_We pride ourselves on giving the customers what they want; safe, reliable equipment that will last for use after use. Here at Garrison Henneley Co., we hope that our products are the last you will ever use._

_Sincerely,_

_CEO William V. Garrison III_

_Garrison Henneley Co. _

_213 Cochrane Ave._

_Suite 414_

_Miami, FL_

_33131_

Well done.

Best regards,

Admiral Christopher Pike

Starfleet Academy

15307 Phoenix Way

San Francisco CA

94129

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Well, that certainly was fun!

Thank you all so much for your reviews! Oh I love reading them. XD

Oh, and thanks again, KC!!! *Hugs*

If you wouldn't mind leaving just one more review, that would be much appreciated, as well. *wink*

~A7~


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